for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize