The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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