Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize