I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize