Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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