So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
