People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
