hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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