I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
