We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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