I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
