I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
