I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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