I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Randomize
