do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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