SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
