i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
