Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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