I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
