In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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