When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
