i was born a porn star she said
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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