I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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