if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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