Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
