I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
