I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
