Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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