she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
