I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Use "feeling words"
Yay
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
