Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
