Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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