I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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