Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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