glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize