I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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