Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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