He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
