Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
