How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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