I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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