I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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