I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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