I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize