Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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