I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
