I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
