defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
