i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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