she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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