Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
