if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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