I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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