I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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