I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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