My boss' voice literally gives me gas
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
