my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
