I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
