Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
