Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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