My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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