Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have fence marks all over my body
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
