so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
