Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
