i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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