i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
third nipple confirmed
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
